Wife Wanted
WANTED: One wife for two or three days per week, may include one evening every now and then. Duties will include general straightening up after 32 year old single male, helping him shop for clothes, cooking, keeping his calendar, reminding him of proper etiquette, nagging, and generally keeping him from being a lazy bastard. Marital obligations not necessary but encouraged, so is use of French Maid outfit. Will definitely not be needed Sundays during Fall and Winter. Bail money, if necessary, will be reimbursed. Compensation includes leftovers and the satisfaction of a job well done.
Like most single men my age, I’m a lump of clay ready for a woman to mold and shape and glaze and kiln fire so that I can become a beautiful decoration on someone’s arm that they can show off to their friends as if to say, “Look what I did...I took this typical male who had no real social skills or culture and I molded him and made him into a wonderful boyfriend. Aren’t you jealous of my skills?” And because no lump of clay can really take care of himself, there are times that I wish I had a wife around to help me through the awkward part of growing up (mainly the years of 18-80).
