Dec 30, 2005

Wife Wanted

WANTED: One wife for two or three days per week, may include one evening every now and then. Duties will include general straightening up after 32 year old single male, helping him shop for clothes, cooking, keeping his calendar, reminding him of proper etiquette, nagging, and generally keeping him from being a lazy bastard. Marital obligations not necessary but encouraged, so is use of French Maid outfit. Will definitely not be needed Sundays during Fall and Winter. Bail money, if necessary, will be reimbursed. Compensation includes leftovers and the satisfaction of a job well done.

Like most single men my age, I’m a lump of clay ready for a woman to mold and shape and glaze and kiln fire so that I can become a beautiful decoration on someone’s arm that they can show off to their friends as if to say, “Look what I did…I took this typical male who had no real social skills or culture and I molded him and made him into a wonderful boyfriend. Aren’t you jealous of my skills?” And because no lump of clay can really take care of himself, there are times that I wish I had a wife around to help me through the awkward part of growing up (mainly the years of 18-80).

One night, not too long ago, the sink was full of dishes, and every utensil I owned was in there too. I knew it was time to do the dishes, but since Time Warner Cable had thoughtfully provided me with over 150 TV channels, it became a toss up between doing the dishes and watching grass grow on the Discovery Channel. Did you know that there are over 10,000 different species of grasses in the world? Most lawns are only comprised of one or two different types of plants not usually native to the area, thereby reducing the biodiversity of the area. After the grass show was a show on the sloth. The sloth is a tree dwelling animal that only comes to the ground to urinate and defecate, and only about once a week. They are a very slow moving animal, so slow that algae easily grows on their coats. It is entirely possible that some species of grass actually grows faster than a sloth moves.

Now while the Discovery Channel shows are mind-numbingly fascinating, they don’t help at all when there are utensils in the sink that need cleaning. I may be eating pasta with my hands, but I know that most grasses are characterized by hollow stems. Which is more important? This is what I need a wife for. If the above happened while the wife was on duty, I would expect the wife to calmly explain how it is more important that I get up off my ass and wash the dishes than it is to watch a show about grass growing. Furthermore, I expect to be calmly questioned about how, in my right mind, I was able to let the sink get that full of dishes in the first place. I then expect her to go out and pick me up some ice cream while I’m doing the dishes. Better yet, she can go get me some ice cream, tell me to relax and watch some TV, while she does the dishes. A foot massage would not be turned down either.

In addition to the above, I also need to be “encouraged” to make the bed. For me, making the bed consists of making sure that the blanket and the two pillows I use are picked up off of the floor after the night’s sleep. If all three items are on the top of the bed in some form, the bed is considered to have been “made”. Now, I do need to make clear that the wife may not introduce any additional head pillows, throw pillows, shams, dust ruffles, duvets, bedspreads, or any other bedding accessories unless approved of, in triplicate, in advance, by the king of the castle (me). Having all sorts of things on the bed is an especially irritating quality that some women have. I once dated a women that spent about 15 minutes in the morning making the bed and about 10 minutes in the evening getting it ready for sleep. That’s almost three hours per week, 12 hours per month, or an astounding 140 hours per year that a person could be getting sleep instead of fixing the bed. Why she insisted on spending that time putting about 10 pillows on the bed in the morning was beyond me (and God forbid if I put them in the wrong place). She and I are no longer dating. Last I heard, she found a guy that needed 25 minutes less sleep per day than I did.

As far as the etiquette requirements go, it’s pretty simple stuff. I’m not sure when they taught this in school, but apparently, when you are invited over to someone else’s house for a get together, you are expected to bring something. Isn’t my company enough? It seems that I’m supposed to bring a bottle of wine or cheese or something of that ilk. So the wife’s duties will be to remind me of the get together in the first place, shop for the item I am supposed to bring, make sure that I am dressed appropriately, and point me in the right direction to get to the place on time. The wife can come along if she would like, unless it is a formal thing in which case her company might be a requirement, unless there is a favorable male female ratio, in which case the wife will not be needed at all.

Another wife duty that I am seemingly unable to do on my own is deal with greeting cards, birthday cards, thank you cards, condolence cards, holiday cards, etc. In a nut shell, if Hallmark makes a card for it, I’m going to screw it up. The wife will need to purchase the appropriate card for an occasion, make sure that I sign it appropriately, and mail it to the person so they get it in time. My current excuse for a birthday card arriving late is that I am a year early for next year’s birthday. The main reason for this duty is really to prevent me from getting confused and writing, “Congratulations! Hope you have a great day!” on a condolence card.

Preventing me from getting confused seems to be a running theme here.

I’ve always had a problem matching clothes. I’m getting better, but I still need help. In this area, the wife’s duties will be to make sure that I do not leave the house with green pants and a pink shirt. Laying clothes out the night before is not a bad idea. Another idea in this area might be for the wife to make a Polaroid album of what goes with what, indexed, and cross referenced, using the newly invented Madison Decimal Systems for cataloging clothes. How simple would it be to pick out a striped dark blue shirt (S006.41) and see that it needs pants P000.76, socks H000.09, shoes F000.81, and watch A038.19? I don’t see how I could screw up with a system like that in place.

Gentle reminders will be needed to make sure I take care of ironing and laundry on a timely basis. Shopping for clothes is another essential wife duty which will need to be handled appropriately depending on the season of the year that it is. It’s not a good idea to wear shorts in the dead of winter, and my wardrobe should reflect that by having the shorts in a hard to reach place (say, under the bed) while long johns and corduroys should be available within easy reach of the opening of the closet.

I think it’s clear that I need a wife. A very patient wife. All applicants should forward resumes and references via e-mail. Disciplinary rolling-pin not provided by employer, so applicants that feel they will need one, will need to supply their own.