The U.S. Postal Service Is Against Me

Forget the fact that they’re changing my zip code. Ignore the fact that they keep changing the stamp costs while I still have a boatload of the $0.39 stamps. Now they’re invading my private life.

I got home tonight and picked up the mail. As is my normal practice, I had my briefcase in my hand and put the mail in the same hand without looking at it. I do the briefcase and the mail in one hand, the left, because it allows me to use the keys in my right hand to open the vestibule door and, once I get to my apartment, my apartment door. It’s worked very well for me for years. Never had a problem until today.

When I hit the third floor landing, I bumped into the cute girl that seems to live on that floor. We exchange pleasantries, and I noticed her eyes darted downward, toward my left hand. I tried to make a little bit of small talk, and I noticed that her eyes kept darting between me and my left hand.

After saying our goodbyes, I finished the climb to my apartment. As I was opening the door, I noticed what she might have kept glancing at in my left hand. There, at the top of the bills and a promotion for Best Buy, was a postcard from Playboy. It didn’t just say “PLAYBOY” on it. No, this postcard had a naked woman on it, barely covered in appropriate places, and large letters that proclaimed that I, JOSHUA MADISON, have been “selected to enjoy PLAYBOY for just $1 an issue”. In addition, I could also get a free DVD.

The only positive thing that can come out of a cute girl in my building seeing that postcard is that it lets her know that I don’t already subscribe to Playboy.

Jun 14, 2007