May 18th 2012
 

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
 

The road to success is always under construction
 

I fish, therefore I lie.
May 15th 2012
 

iPaige movies are in 8D!
 

There’s no “we” in iPaige
May 14th 2012
 

I have a new, revolutionary invention: the iPaige
 

The iPaige plays 45′s + 78′s (in stereo)
May 11th 2012
 

Don’t confuse me with facts; my mind’s already made up.
 

It’s never too late to mutate.
May 9th 2012
 

This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me.
 

The only joy in the world is to begin.
May 8th 2012
 

They told me I had type-A blood, but that was a typo
 

The shortest answer is doing.
 

Man dreads fame as a pig dreads fat.
May 7th 2012
 

Know a good chemistry joke?
Let me zinc about it.

 

When chemists die, they barium.
 

Broken pencils are pointless.
May 4th 2012
 

I’d rather play Twister with myself.
 

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
 

Never trust a skinny chef.
May 2nd 2012
 

I used to be a banker, but this I lost interest.
 

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
 

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
May 1st 2012
 

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
 

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
 

Velcro: What a rip off!
Apr 30th 2012
 

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
 

I ♥ working nights and weekends
 

WARNING:
He’s subject to spontaneous outburst of song.

Apr 25th 2012
 

I’m not getting old, I’m getting awesome!