May 18th 2012
 

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Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
 

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The road to success is always under construction
 

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I fish, therefore I lie.
May 15th 2012
 

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iPaige movies are in 8D!
 

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There’s no “we” in iPaige
May 14th 2012
 

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I have a new, revolutionary invention: the iPaige
 

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The iPaige plays 45′s + 78′s (in stereo)
May 11th 2012
 

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Don’t confuse me with facts; my mind’s already made up.
 

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It’s never too late to mutate.
May 9th 2012
 

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This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me.
 

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The only joy in the world is to begin.
May 8th 2012
 

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They told me I had type-A blood, but that was a typo
 

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The shortest answer is doing.
 

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Man dreads fame as a pig dreads fat.
May 7th 2012
 

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Know a good chemistry joke?
Let me zinc about it.

 

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When chemists die, they barium.
 

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Broken pencils are pointless.
May 4th 2012
 

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I’d rather play Twister with myself.
 

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England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
 

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Never trust a skinny chef.
May 2nd 2012
 

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I used to be a banker, but this I lost interest.
 

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Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
 

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I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
May 1st 2012
 

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I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
 

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Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
 

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Velcro: What a rip off!
Apr 30th 2012
 

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Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
 

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I ♥ working nights and weekends
 

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WARNING:
He’s subject to spontaneous outburst of song.

Apr 25th 2012
 

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I’m not getting old, I’m getting awesome!
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