Monday, February 8, 2016
Not my last rodeo, but my last media bus ride
Forget Rice-a-Roni; I’m the San Francisco treat
Friday, February 5, 2016
If the Broncos win, I’m painting the Golden Gate Bridge orange.
If the Panthers win, I’ll spend the night in Alcatraz
Monday, February 1, 2016
Tomorrow I’m escaping into Alcatraz
I’m setting up a table at interview night. Meeting is 25 cents
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Bill, the book I got you for Christmas is due back at the library today

Note: Bill = Bill Plaschke, another panelist on the show

Camping is all in tents and purposes outside
Monday, January 25, 2016
I once auditioned to be a trumpeter, but I blew it
Hedgehogs are rude. They never share the hedge.
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
Never give up on your dreams. Unless your dream is to be younger.

Early to bed,
early to rise,
means you can’t
watch west coast games

Monday, January 18, 2016
A bizarre bazaar is a strange place to shop
Math: The only place people buy 72 oranges and no one wonders why
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Loading an online shopping cart with $1.4 billion worth of random stuff takes a long time
Reali sits on paper towels. Mute me on the bounty.

Note: Reali = Tony Reali, the host of ATH.

Monday, January 11, 2016
My accupuncturist always gets the jab well done

Note: [sic]

Always give 100 percent. Unless you’re donating blood.
Friday, January 8, 2016
The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. Every winner has been from Earth
Do lobster cops use rubber bands instead of handcuffs?