The Onion reports:
At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having realizing it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.
With audible murmurs of “This is no way to live,” “What the hell am I doing here—I hate it here,” and “Fuck this place. Fuck this horrible place,” all 8.4 million citizens in each of the five boroughs packed up their belongings and told reporters they would rather blow their brains out with a shotgun than spend another waking moment in this festering cesspool of filth and scum and sadness.
And from the many a truth is said in jest department:
In addition, 3 million New Yorkers reportedly left the city because they realized the phrase “Only in New York” is actually just a defense mechanism used to convince themselves that seeing a naked man take a shit on a park bench is somehow endearing, or part of some shared cultural experience.
I just love The Onion.
Texas has introduced the world to fried Twinkies, fried pickles, fried Oreos, and the ultimate in fried cuisine, fried butter—to name a few—but they may have finally broken the “fry barrier” and are about to introduce to the world fried beer.
Mark Zable’s creation is a ravioli-shaped dough pocket that’s filled with beer and plunged into a deep fryer. It’s a little messy — the beer pours out on the first bite — but you can always sop it up with the dough.
Imagine what the world would be like if crafty people at the Texas State Fair pointed all that ingenuity to something more helpful to humanity—like why beer tastes crappy when drunk out of aluminum cans.
What would happen if, instead of spare change, you handed a person in need the means to shop for whatever they needed? What would they buy? Can you spare your credit card, sir?
In New York City, an advertising executive recently handed over her American Express Platinum Card to a homeless Manhattan man after he had asked her for change. The man, who had been without home after losing a job, used the card to buy $25 worth of deodorant, water and cigarettes. And then he returned the card.
Jim Rankin of The Toronto Star wanted to find out, so he handed out pre-paid cards of $50 and $75. Most used it buy food and liquor.
A study has found that seven hours of sleep a night is the right amount. Any more or less increases your chance of cardiovascular disease.
Study participants who said they slept nine hours or longer a day were one-and-a-half times more likely than seven-hour sleepers to develop cardiovascular disease, the study found.
I’m screwed.
A team of researchers have proven that no initial Rubik’s Cube scramble needs more than 20 moves to solve. This is known as “God’s Number”. How did they solve all 43,252,003,274,489,856,000 possible positions? They used about 35-years worth of CPU time donated by Google from their server’s idle time:
Finally, we were able to distribute the 55,882,296 cosets of H among a large number of computers at Google and complete the computation in just a few weeks. Google does not release information on their computer systems, but it would take a good desktop PC (Intel Nehalem, four-core, 2.8GHz) 1.1 billion seconds, or about 35 CPU years, to perform this calculation.
They don’t mention anything about the Josh Madison method of taking the damn thing apart and putting it back together correctly (getting the last piece in is a pain-in-the-ass).
Morrie Yohai, the inventor of Cheez Doodles, has died.
Although Mr. Yohai insisted on the “we” credit for the recipe, he did say that he came up with the product name. First marketed in the late 1950s, Cheez Doodles soon became so popular that by 1965, Old London Foods was bought by Borden, and Mr. Yohai became vice president of Borden’s snack food division, which among other products made Drake’s Cakes and Cracker Jack.
One of his duties, he said, was sitting around a table with other executives and choosing which tiny toys would be stuffed into Cracker Jack boxes.
Artist Dalton Ghetti makes sculptures in pencil lead (OK, pencil graphite). The Times profiled his work in 2007.
So small, and so well detailed. I think the saw or the key is my favorite.
Researchers at the University of Manchester have published a guide to the perfect handshake.
Beattie’s steps to the perfect handshake, for both men and women, are: use the right hand; a complete grip and a firm squeeze (but not too strong); a cool and dry palm; approximately three shakes, with a medium level of vigor, held for no longer than two to three seconds.
What exactly is “a medium level of vigor”?
Steve McCurry, who’s best known for shooting the Afghan Girl photograph, requested that he be allowed to shoot the last roll of Kodachrome Kodak ever produced. National Geographic documented his journey shooting the final roll.
Russo said they documented McCurry shooting the final roll of film in New York, then traveling to Bombay and Rajasthan, India, then back to New York, shooting along the way several personalities of the world of filmmaking.
McCurry said he spent about two months shooting the images, which also included scenic photos, as well as serendipitous moments on the streets of New York.
Hopefully, National Geographic will print a few of the photographs. It truly is the passing of an era.
Scientists have discovered that a protein is needed to make a shell, and this protein is only found within a chicken, thereby answering which came first.
Professor John Harding, who also took part in the research, told Metro the discovery could have other applications.
“Understanding how chickens make shells is fascinating in itself, but can also give clues towards designing new materials.” he said.
Which is good, because in spite of HECToR’s hard work and the “scientific proof” it yielded, the study offered no explanation as to how the chicken got there in the first place.
Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
Dan Gilbert, the Cleveland Cavaliers owner, wrote an open letter in response to LeBron James’ decision to sign with the Miami Heat:
“I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE”
You can take it to the bank.
If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our “motivation” to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.
Wow, sounds like a real joy to play for.
Predictions: The Cavaliers don’t win 50 games next year; LeBron wins 3 championships before the Cavaliers win a playoff series.
(and what the heck is up with the Comic Sans?)
UPDATE: Check out the Cleveland Plain Dealer front page. He might be more hated in Cleveland than Art Modell.
True friends stab you in the front.
A comedian created the ‘Best Party’ and won 34.7% of the vote. Now he’s the mayor of a city with 1/3 of Iceland’s population.
In his acceptance speech he tried to calm the fears of the other 65.3 percent. “No one has to be afraid of the Best Party,” he said, “because it is the best party. If it wasn’t, it would be called the Worst Party or the Bad Party. We would never work with a party like that.”
With his party having won 6 of the City Council’s 15 seats, Mr. Gnarr needed a coalition partner, but ruled out any party whose members had not seen all five seasons of “The Wire.”
Well, “The Wire” is the best TV show I’ve ever seen.
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