Answering today’s question from Quofda:
This is a good question, and one that I have a long and weird answer to. To understand the answer, you have to know that I’m an only child who grew up in an apartment in Manhattan. Because of this, I didn’t have a lot of friends that I could play with growing up. Sure there were friends at school, and I would see a few of them outside of school, but growing up in the city means that you can’t just go next door to see “Billy” whenever you want. The “pop-in” is generally discouraged, despite what you see on Seinfeld. Getting together with friends required multiple phone calls, consulting both parents, consulting parents date books, and sometimes consulting a shrink. Sometimes it just wasn’t worth all the hassle.
Because of the above, I spent a lot of time by myself, and I became very good at entertaining myself. I still am. I value my alone time more than just about anything. I socialize as much as I can these days, but every once in a while, I’ll tell a friend that I’m just not in the mood to go out and would rather go home and be with myself (mind out of gutter, please).
Growing up semi-isolated also left me somewhat socially awkward. Because I wasn’t around a lot of other people, I tend to not be very comfortable around people, and am very shy around strangers, but it really isn’t that noticeable at first. I tend to only speak when spoken to or when necessary, and I tend not to expand on what I’m saying more than necessary. I would not be described as shy by someone who is meeting me for the first time, but after they get to know me, and I get more comfortable with them, they would eventually notice that I’m more comfortable and gregarious than the day they met me, and might describe me as being shy in hindsight. To this day, I have trouble responding to what I perceive as a very personal comment by someone, regardless of how they perceive it.
And forget about me sharing very personal details. The best way I can describe myself is that I have put up a wall to all but my closest friends, and it takes a very, very long time for me to let that wall down to someone new. It is this wall that is almost definitely responsible for my failed relationships, and it is this wall that came tumbling down in a relationship with someone whom I will refer to as Karen, and I was able to be the real Josh around her without the wall protecting, or more accurately, hiding me.
Even though the relationship with Karen was over more than 10 years ago, I can still remember the exact moment, and the exact feeling that I had when I realized that I was completely comfortable around her and had no reason to keep the wall up. Once the wall came down, I was a different person…not just around her, but in general. At the time, I was having some problems with my boss at work, but I never really brought it home with me. After the relationship with Karen sputtered out, I remember talking to her one day, and just going off on my boss. She mentioned that she never heard me talk about him that way, and I realized that while nothing with him had changed, I was a calmer and more tolerant person when the wall was down, and now that it was back up, I had to release the stress he caused.
So, to finally answer the original question of who do I miss most in my life…it is not Karen. I would have to say that I miss the person that I was when I was in the relationship with Karen, and that Josh is the person that I miss most in my life. I’m not sure how to get him back without some help from someone else.
Wow, that’s a really well told story and I can certainly relate to what you say.
Thanks for sharing <img src="http://joshmadison.com/images/smileys/smile.gif" width="19" height="19" alt="smile" style="border:0;" />
Wow. That’s the most personal thing you’ve ever written. Very insightful. Very poignant. I understand how you feel. Sounds like you need to do some work and it won’t be easy but could be well worth it in the end if you come out on the other side and discover Josh again.
Wow, Josh, that was awesome. Very much myself, although I am less shy these days, but no lesser walls, and while I had a very open relationship with one woman once, my walls did not come down to the extend they did for you (we were together only a few months, due to circumstances).
I admire your honesty about yourself. My problem has always been my reluctance to admit my shortcomings, always wanting to be “James Bond” â savvy, cool and accomplished.
My personality was molded by a nasty father and a submissive mother, and I never rebelled. I feel like a coward (recent admission).
I hope we both will have our Berlin Wall moment one day.
Regards,
Hans L
I have to agree with Laiya, this is indeed the first truly personal thing I’ve seen on your website. (Couldn’t help but notice this is also the first and only thing in your “Personal” category for blog entries.)
I just want you to know it can be pretty hard on the opposite end of the relationship spectrum as well – maybe worse. There has to be an perfect in between. I can and have been almost too open and trusting with men I’ve dated…much of the time resulting in getting myself hurt.
I suppose that’s what you’re unconsciously trying to avoid by being closed off…or at least I’m sure that’s what a psychologist would say.
I had to create the “Personal” category specifically for this post. Don’t worry, there’ll be more, but probably not very often.
Maybe in a few weeks I’ll post how a stove commercial changed my outlook on life.
Somehow I found your site…and read your story…my wife has a saying…“things happen for a reason”…we don’t always know what that reason is at the time, but…things just happen.
Every one of us are unique…that’s why I can’t give you advice…only you know what’s really going on with you…and only you can change it…if you want.
A while back I saw this guy Joel Osteen on TV…( I usually zip past TV preachers, but that day he said somthing that made sense to me )…he said, “Expect” good things to happen to you…every day…So, I decided to give it a try…good things don’t always happen, but I kind of do feel better about things…by expecting something good to happen I feel energized (in a way)…
You’re a good guy Josh Madison…the old Josh is in the past…leave him there (with Karen)…find that new Josh…he’s the one that special girl is looking for…and she’ll find you….
Well, hang in there kid….and by the way, you have a great site here…it’s intelligent, funny and all the right mix…keep up the good work….
I also liked the article, because it had the ring of truth about it, and I found, like Hans, that it resonated with some of my own life experiences. As I read it, I was reminded of a quote that I had seen along the lines of “loving someone deeply gives you courage”, don’t get me wrong I’m not saying you were necessarily big into the girl, just that being in the circumstances you found yourself gave you more courage. When one knows no/less fear, there is less need to be defensive. Like Brigit, I believe this should be balanced with the sense to know when to show your cards and which to show. Finally, I would suggest that you are better off finding similar circumstances that produce the same result, outside of affairs of the heart. That way, you are not completely reliant on an outside influence to put the wind beneath your wings.
You have a way with words. I am enlightened that you share thoughts and opinions.
Relationships, both romantic and platonic, are always multi-faceted. Not many people are true “open books,” and probably aren’t even if they say so. Everyone has a thing, a quirk, a past. That is why we are all unique. It is not only our past that makes us the way we are. It is every moment we live. Every pair of keys we misplace, every stoplight we miss has an effect on what will or would have happened.
Two halves do not make a whole in a relationship. Two wholes unite and grow together. Josh is still inside of you, he didn’t just grow legs and walk away. You might have to look in places you didn’t remember leaving him, but you’ll find him.. when you least expect it.
Wow Josh I am speechles- which as you know does not happen to me often. I see the wall that you put up and as your friend it is painful to see.
You have so much to share and are one of the most brilliant people I have ever known.
Josh is still inside you- I have seen glimpses of “him”. You do not need another “Karen” to bring this out- you need to trust yourself and let it come out. Only when you let this come out will another “Karen” appear.
I love you Josh- Colleen
you said that Josh is shy- stop looking so hard and he’ll come sit with you.
I too was pretty much like you Josh, One day I just decided to open up to people in general, that is what I did, day by day just opened up to those around me. I deliberately brought down the walls. The more I did it the easier it got, until I did it without thinking about doing it. You just got to come to that point where you say to yourself, “today I am going to open up.” and then just do it.
Just a question – if you miss the person you were when you were with Karen – don't you really actually miss Karen?