Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

The good thing about science is that it’s true whether or not you believe in it.

I enjoy cooking with wine, sometimes I even put it in the food I’m cooking.

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they are going to feel all day.

Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariat but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires.

Women are made to be loved, not understood.

Loyalty to any one sports team is pretty hard to justify. Because the players are always changing — the team can move to another city — you’re actually rooting for the clothes, when you get right down to it. You know what I mean? You are standing and cheering and yelling for your clothes to beat the clothes from another city. Fans will be so in love with a player, but if he goes to another team, they boo him. This is the same human being in a different shirt — they hate him now. Boo! Different shirt!! Boo!

Time you enjoyed wasting, is not wasted.

Tell me and I’ll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I’ll understand.

A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy marshmallows, which are kinda the same thing.

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

True friends stab you in the front.

So-called “global warming” is just a secret ploy by wacko tree-huggers to make America energy independent, clean our air and water, improve the fuel efficiency of our vehicles, kick-start 21st-century industries, and make our cities safer and more livable.  Don’t let them get away with it!

If you don’t read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.